10 Tips to Help Your Congregation Dislike Hymns

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top 10

 

  • Modernize, genericize or blend all hymns in order to reach younger people. Because all young people like singing hymns that sound like Air Supply.
  • Always bookend a hymn between two really popular modern songs. It’s kind of like hiding unappetizing vegetables in your mashed potatoes.
  • Admonish your congregation regularly with how unspiritual they are to focus on personal preferences (This one doesn’t apply to you, of course, since you pick the songs).
  • Lead hymns like you’re recording a hostage video. Blink twice occasionally to indicate you’re leading them to satisfy the deacon imposed quota.
  • Play all hymns with a boom chuck guitar strum; country walking bass line; and train beat drum rhythm. Be sure to add a fish-shaped tambourine on hymns about heaven.
  • Use only hymns with archaic texts such as Ebenezer, hither and shouldst without ever explaining their poetry. It might also help to revive the Charles Wesley text, “To me, to all, Thy bowels move.”
  • Frequently use psalms like “Sing a new song” or “He put a new song in my mouth” to justify limited or no use of hymns.
  • When you have to sing a hymn introduce it with “here’s an oldie but a goodie.” Or only use them as novelties for homecomings, old-fashioned singings or fifth Sunday sings.
  • Convince your congregation that hymns and modern songs aren’t compatible by using “no one can serve two masters” or Pepsi vs. Coke to illustrate their mutual exclusivity.
  • Don’t spend any personal devotional time internalizing the hymn texts and tunes before you lead them. Because if you ever start to love them, you’ll never convince your congregation not to.
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